Dearest Nanay,
No matter how bad I act, I need not apologize for
I know you would have already forgiven me.
Because such is your weakness and burden.
I made a lot of new friends, Nanay. And I'd been
busy making them. I let them into my
life and every day the list grows. Some of them stay - some only for a moment. Yet
I share their dreams, their hopes, their frustrations and failures. And every
time they get their hearts broken, I stay with them, comfort them. I know what
make them tick. And I know what make them laugh. I paid so much attention to
their worries failing to realize that there is one friend I yet have to get to
know much better.
I've always look at you as a parent - someone who
tells me the right from the wrong - my moral compass. Beyond that shroud of
parenthood, I didn't see you as someone else - only the person who nags a lot,
who worries when I don't get home on time, who keeps asking me everything that
I do, who most of the time I wish would stop minding my business and just focus
on hers.
I looked at you most days, and all I see is the
uptight person that you have become. But I don't know the stories behind the
lines on your face, the scars on your skin that once might have been flawless. How
did you get them? When?
Who are you, Nanay? What were you like when you
were younger? What was it like during your time? What made you swoon? What made you blush? What
were your dreams? What was your biggest frustration? And how did you overcome
that frustration? Who was your first love? How was it like to have your heart
broken? If ever it was broken. What was the name of that guy - that guy that
you think got away - the one who was so perfect but who was never meant for
you; the one you cried for every night when you were in your teens and the one
who still lingers in your mind up to now.
When did you stop laughing, the laugh that would
have made guys your age crazy because you were so beautiful? When did you stop
becoming your own person, stop your childish ways, and stop your
experimentation because you have to set an example for me?
I created so much distance between us because I
wanted to become my own person.
So I've never asked, what are the things you
really liked? How was it like to give up on your dreams? And if you did give up
your dreams, is it worth it? Was I one of the reasons, that your dreams have to
be let go? What was it like giving birth to me? And was I worth all the pain –
not only of childbirth but of everything that comes along with bringing me up?
I’m sorry I was too caught up with growing up that
I didn't ask about you. Sorry that I didn't realize that you too are growing
old and that the times we'd be together will be more limited. I'm sorry if I
always wanted you to leave me alone and I keep on asking you to mind your own
business. My knowledge is so limited that I only realized that I was your
business.
In a few months, I too will marry the love of my
life. She will become my wife and she will become the mother of my children. One day soon, we will become parents too. We
will stop becoming children and for our children’s sake, we too will let go of
the things that right now feel very important to us. We will stop chasing after
our dreams because one day soon we will realize that as parents, we must help
them realize theirs – that our interests sometimes must be let go.
It is
possible that in their eyes, we will be how I perceive you to be right now – uptight.
They will think of us as boring and don’t know how to have fun. We will sound
like broken record to them constantly reminding them about responsibility,
accountability, integrity and compassion – above all, faith. They will hate us
for grounding them, for putting limits to what they can and cannot do and for
disciplining them. Being the bad guy will be fine with us – only to see them
become a better version of themselves.
We will make sacrifices that right now feel very
hard to do. They will become our business and all things we’ll do and accept if
only to see them happy. I just hope that one day too, I or my wife will receive
a letter just like this for only then will I know that I raised a good kid.
I write to you, Nanay, to apologize for all the
pains that I’ve put you through. I write to you because there is no reward to
parenthood. You will not receive a plaque or a gold medal and you will not even
receive a standing ovation or even just a pat in the back. But know this; you
have my sincerest and unending thank you.
Today, I will make a promise to you. I will tell
my kids about you. I will ask you the things I’ve written here and tell my
children your story – of how one great mother have to let go of her dreams in
order to make mine a possibility- a reality. So even if you didn’t get an award
for being a great parent, you will always remain living – immortal, for your
story will resonate and echo through the generations of our family. For it is
the only way I can pay tribute to how great you are. You have my love and
devotion, constantly.
It's Me.
Jero.
